The European Union is Writing a Letter to Santa Claus
Ralitsa Kovacheva, December 23, 2011
Brussels:
"Dear Santa,
when the snow starts
and the sleigh flies ..."
- No, enough with this haiku! It should sound more formally: "Dear Mr Claus, in assurance that this year the European Union has behaved ..."
- No, we cannot say something like that, some behaved well, but others ...!
- Yes, but we must not allow divisions, we cannot write separately for the obedient and the disobedient! How will this be perceived by our partners at the global level! And the markets?!
- Yes, let's be more diplomatic. "Dear Santa Claus, we would like to remind you that the European Union experienced a particularly difficult year, but the Union showed solidarity and courage, so it entirely deserved to get Christmas presents. And please, if you receive a letter from Berlin or Paris, do not open it! Herman Van Rompuy and Jose Manuel Barroso."
- But why your name first?!
Berlin: "Herr Santa Claus, dear colleague! This year Germany gave many gifts to the poor, the Germans worked a lot, saved hard and deserved their gifts. So keep bringing us, as before, economic growth, large exports and low interest rates. And please - no more immigrants! P.S. Forgive me for not sending you a nuclear sleigh, as I promised last year!"
Paris: "Monsieur Santa Claus, although I kindly asked you last year, you didn`t bring me high rating, moreover I was at the brink of losing the credit one too! But now I am not just beggin you, I insist! I also wish high liquidity for our banks, generous subsidies for our farmers and health and longevity for Mrs Merkel!"
Athens: "Dear Santa, when you have nothing, you can ask anything. But bring us please, trust, because nobody believes us. 'They lie like Greeks', people say. Bring us taxes too, because if you don't bring them, we don't know how to collect them. And, please, remind you-know-whom about the second loan!"
Rome: "Santa Claus, dear friend! We know you grieve about your dear Silvio, who was substituting you for so many years and was generous and loving. But we beg you, would you say a few good words about us to Mr Draghi? What a better Christmas present the ECB can get than Italian bonds? Tell them to buy, not to feel shy! And bring a new scarf to Ms Lagarde on our behalf!"
London: "Mr Claus, I do not know if I deserve a gift, because I was a bad child and quarrelled with all the other kids. So please, help the others, I will cope myself. And one more thing - I know that you give and not take, but if you can cut down my deficit, a little bit? And if Nicolas has written to you bad things about me, don't believe him!"
The Hague: "To Santa Claus: Please be careful about the contents of your sack, because you will be thoroughly checked upon entering the Schengen area. We understand the need for equality for all children, but we have received reports of corruption among the elves and Mrs Claus once again refused to reform her kitchen by the European standards."
Budapest: "Dear IMF, please bring us 20 billion euros. And tell Brussels not to be angry at us for trying to control our central bank politically. They will see that it is for good! We will tell the media to write only nice things about you, as they do about us."
Sofia: "Santa Claus ... Well, I know you as Father Frost, like we called you during socialism, but now we are Europeans, aren’t we? I don't know what to tell you, I gave everything that was left to give. Or at least I promised to do so. By the way, thanks for the elections. Here, you know, we are disciplined, and when you have nothing you don`t know what to wish for first. So bring us good health, there is no money for it anyway. And, I almost forgot, I need new scissors because mine are spoiled."
Sofia 2: "Sorry, Santa, I have changed my mind. Well, I remembered that the Social Security budget needs some 300 million, and another 20 or something million for the Railways will be welcomed. Djankov (the finance minister) will write to you about the other things. And something personal, forgive me. As I sit alone, like a dog in Boyana (the Prime Minister's residence), so do you think Mrs Claus can knit a pair of wool socks for me, because there is no one to warm my feet. If there is anything else, Tsetso (the interior minister) will connect directly with the elves. Hey, and beware not to be transporting a can of gasoline in the sleigh!"
To all:
"With deepest regret I have to inform you that this year there will be no gifts. The elves were on strike, because I raised the retirement age. Snow White left, after I cut her bonuses for clothes. Mrs Claus is busy to defend women's rights and said she had no time for rubbish. So I decided it was high time to make my dream come true. I withdrew my savings and bought a solitary Greek island (it was really cheap!). Do not write to me, I have no address. P.S. The Chinese said that you can call them if you need anything."
Your Santa Claus